So the fabulously talented LeBron James refused to shake hands with his opponents after the Magic won at Amway Arena in Orlando because, as he said, “It’s hard for me to congratulate somebody after you just lost to them.”
Of course it’s hard. And therefore…? So if something’s hard, you shouldn’t do it?
Mr. James also said, “It’s not being a poor sport or anything like that. If somebody beats you up, you’re not going to congratulate them. That doesn’t make sense to me.”
Sure if someone beats you up in the schoolyard or in an alley, you would not congratulate that person but this is organized sports where there are traditions and expectations. The tradition is that the losing team acknowledges the success of the winning team and that everyone acts like a gracious gentleman and/or lady. Pouting and sulking are frowned upon.
I do not want to take anything away from Mr. James’s exceptional athletic prowess and fierce determination to win but this behavior is unseemly and tarnishes his otherwise glowing image.
There are several qualities that contribute to mental toughness and one of them is what I refer to as the championship mindset. This refers to individuals who are willing and eager to assess their performances in an objective fashion in an effort to learn from mistakes and improve. This objectivity allows them to control their emotions in order to assess, learn, and move forward.
A championship mindset includes the ability to recognize that sometimes the other guy wins and when that happens, a true champion will be able to step back and be curious as to why that happened. This curiosity encourages an objective stance, a learning perspective that promotes questions such as: “How did the other team win and why did we lose? What can be learned from this?”
Sure it hurts. It hurts a lot especially because of the heroic effort Mr. James delivered but with a little more effort he could show us that he is mentally tough not only on the court but in life.
First it was Red Sox shortstop Julio Lugo, then, at the very end, it was pitcher Javier Lopez. They each committed a cardinal sin in baseball: they didn’t keep their eyes on the ball. In just that split second when each looked away from the ball, the ball got away from them.
For the rest of us, the term - keep your eye on the ball - serves as metaphor but there’s nothing like a real life example to demonstrate the wisdom of this old adage. And it’s becoming increasingly difficult to stay focused on the one thing we should focus on since there are innumerable temptations and distractions such as ringing cell phones, email, the internet, and bad music that seems to be piped in everywhere.
Of course we can train our brains to focus more effectively but that takes time and effort and many of us are “too busy” (i.e, too distracted) to do so!
For those of you who may be interested, here’s a quick technique to help you quickly remove distractions and refocus:
Close your eyes and exhale slowly, real slowly.
Now say to yourself, “I’m going to turn my mind off.”
Now “see” with your mind’s eye, a blank computer screen.
Relax your jaw and tongue (we hold a lot of tension there).
Should kids be taught to be mentally tough? Harvard psychologist Richard Weissbourd seems to think so. Weissbourd’s book, “The Parents We Mean to Be: How Well-Intentioned Adults Undermine Children’s Moral and Emotional Development” was mentioned in an article by Joanna Weiss in today’s Boston Globe http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/family/articles/2009/04/11/tough_talk/
In the article, Weiss recounts the story of a soccer coach who raised an uproar when he jokingly wrote to parents suggesting, among other things, that they put their kids on a diet of veggies, fish, and “undercooked red meat.” Weiss’s article questions the wisdom of parents who protect their kids from adversity and Dr. Weissbourd is quoted as saying that kids need adversity to develop coping skills.
This reminds me of a friend of mine who told me that when he was just learning to crawl, his dad put pillows in his way to teach him to overcome obstacles. This fellow revered his dad and to this day credits his technique for teaching him to forge ahead no matter what. My friend is a successful internet guru who makes millions. And he has indeed overcome many serious obstacles in his life.
Now you may wish to forego installing a pillow obstacle course for your kids but as a psychologist, a mental game coach, and a peak performance maven, I have to agree that the experience of failure can be one of life’s greatest teaching moments. I believe that making a mistake or losing out on a deal or falling flat on your face can be a wonderful opportunity for learning. I encourage my clients to view such instances as data, as information that can be used to determine what went wrong and what needs to be fixed in order to succeed in the future. Parents, teachers and coaches can do the same.
First - a confession: I do watch American Idol. It is the only reality show I watch but still… I was encouraged to watch this show by several friends who know I love to sing and that I occasionally work with performing artists. So last year I took the plunge, with great skepticism, and became hooked.
There are many things to not like about the show such as the manipulation of emotions (ours and the contestants) and the endless commercials but it is still just plain fascinating. To see these young (mostly) talented performers sing in front of huge audiences and a panel of judges each week is truly a lesson in mental toughness.
Consider how you might function if, in front of millions of people, you were told you received the fewest votes from viewers and that judges did not deem you worthy of saving. That’s only part of it! Then, after you’ve been rejected, you have to sing the song (that got you booted out in the first place) once again in front of everyone! Come on…it’s amazing these kids can talk let alone sing!
So, I have been impressed with the poise and graciousness of these singers who are asked to perform under such mean conditions. They not only sing, they express their gratitude for the opportunity and thank everyone involved. That’s mental toughness, folks. Grace under pressure, for sure and a lesson for all of us.
Alex Rodriguez’s recent admission that he used steroids to help him manage the pressure of being the highest paid ball player in Major League Baseball has raised a firestorm of controversy.
Of course, this is understandable since A-Rod isn’t just a baseball player; he’s a celebrity of rock star status. He’s also a lightning rod (pun not really intended) who seems to generate intense positive and negative emotional reactions from the public - some of it his own doing (remember the “dates” with the blond stripper?).
As a peak performance coach with an interest in mental toughness, I am always curious to see how people handle pressure since this is a measure of a person’s mental toughness. It’s now how well someone performs when things are easy but rather how well that person functions when things get challenging that, in part, determines one’s mental toughness.
Being the highest paid anything comes with both realistic and unrealistic expectations. And of course, there is pressure to meet those unrealistic expectations so it’s possible that A-Rod succumbed to buying into those unrealistic expectations, thinking he had to be a miracle worker (or believing he was).
Now I realize that A-Rod and his handlers are trying to spin this tale to make it more palatable to the public and certainly Alex’s arrogance and impulsivity have gotten him in trouble before but I think there is some truth in what he says. He was only 18 when he entered the MLB and there are few 18 year olds who have the wisdom and maturity to handle that kind of exposure. And although I have no way of knowing this for sure, it’s unlikely he had a good mentor to guide him.
The problem with some young athletes who are flung into the world of big money and big fame is that they are ill prepared to handle it all. They become surrounded by people who idealize them and by people who use them. They get used to the idealization and begin to believe they are invincible and not subject to the rules that govern mere mortals. They believe they can get away with things because they are getting away with things until one day…
Fast forward to 2001 and the use of those banned substances. Our boy was 26 and now says, “It was very loose. I was young, I was stupid, I was naïve. And I wanted to prove to everyone that I was worth being one of the greatest players of all time. I did take a banned substance. And for that, I am very sorry and deeply regretful.”
Is he sorry because he was caught or is he really sorry that he used the drugs? No way can we know. He was smart to come forward (or his handler was smart to encourage him to do so) and confess and it was smart to hold the press conference today in which Alex offered a few more details.
A-Rod was clearly anxious during the press conference. He took a swig of water every few seconds (dry mouth is a typical sign of anxiety) as he read his statement and answered questions. His most authentic moment was when he looked at his teammates and couldn’t speak for several seconds. I think if he had spoken he would have cried but he shifted in his seat, looked away and up as he fought back the tears and then managed to say, “Thank you.”
There’s no denying A-Rod’s talent; he’s got the stuff although there are questions about his post-season playing (another test of mental toughness) where he disappoints (unless you’re a Red Sox fan!).
So to get back to the mental toughness question - how mentally tough is Alex Rodriguez? How does he manage pressure - the pressure of the expectations of others and self; the pressure of coming through in clutch situations; the willingness to play fair even when it’s not going your way (remember him swatting the ball out of Arroyo’s hands in ‘04?)? Maybe not so well, eh?
Now good old fashioned maturity plays into mental toughness and that’s where Alex definitely needs some work. His exploits off the field attest to that. We can hope that this situation will help Alex grow up; to realize that he is not invincible, that he is not untouchable, that he is not flawless. But he cannot do it alone. Ideally he would get assigned a mentor, someone with the wisdom and maturity that Alex seems to lack. Of course, there is the option of some professional help. I don’t mean 5 days a week on the couch but certainly therapy with a straight talking therapist could be of great benefit to him.
Alex Rodriguez is a man of immense talent and promise who has certainly contributed excitement to the game of baseball. I support his desire to move forward. I applaud his seemingly heart-felt confession. Sometimes these events serve as a wake-up call that changes people for the better. Only time will tell.
I was watching a Celtics game recently where the referees seemed to be making a series of bad calls. The TV commentators were complaining about it, too. I was curious about how the players would react to these calls and noticed that most quickly shrugged them off and got back on track. This is definitely a sign of mental toughness, i.e., the ability to minimize the impact of distractions, get refocused and deal with the task at hand.
This got me thinking about life in general. In case you haven’t noticed, life is often unfair. Hard working people lose jobs and homes and sloths win the lottery. So, what do you do? The true test of a person’s character isn’t how he or she functions when things go well but rather, when things get rough.
Have you ever noticed how 2 people might both encounter a series of hardships and yet each deals with it differently? One might be a whiner and the other a winner; one sees impossible obstacles and gloom and doom and the other sees challenges and opportunities. Which type are you?
Now I am not minimizing the very real pain that some of you might be experiencing due to layoffs, loss of investments (you should see my IRAs!), and so forth. And it’s perfectly ok and understandable to acknowledge and feel that pain but then - what?
It’s then time to take a step back, assess your situation in an objective fashion and create a plan of action. What needs to change in order for you to move through this rough period? Who can you call for advice or assistance? What or who will give you emotional sustenance?
A mentally tough individual views mistakes and set-backs as opportunities for learning and growing; do you?
A good gauge of a team’s focused competence is the sounds emanating from our TV room. If there are a lot of “aws” and “I can’t believe its!” it’s probably because our team (the Celtics) is missing shots that should not be missed.
Ok, easy for us to say - we’re sitting there warm and cozy in our slippers, sipping wine as we watch the big guys sweat but - as a scholar and student of sports psychology and mental toughness, I know a few things that give me permission to spout off now and then.
Let’s just look at why someone misses a shot. There are several possibilities including being bumped or pushed by another player, thus interfering with the player’s physical lay up. But what about other reasons? I would argue that every other reason has to do with focus.
If a player is well focused he will only attempt a shot he knows he can make and everything will be properly aligned. He won’t shoot out of desperation or because he’s overly eager or because he’s trying to prove something. Those thoughts, in a focused, mentally tough performer, will be either dismissed or absent.
What I saw last night was some occasional sloppiness (albeit along with some superb playing, too) that contributed to the loss. There were many lost opportunities that were lost due to that distractibility factor.
One of the tests of true mental toughness is the ability to manage distractions that interfere with focus. A focused mind is a competent mind and a competent mind leads to competent playing.
There are techniques to improve focus and I have addressed this in previous posts.
As a Celtics fan, I’m relieved to see them sweep the Toronto Raptors after having lost their last 4 games.As a peak performance psychologist, I am intrigued by the phenomenon of winning streaks and losing streaks.
What are the factors that contribute to a team (or a company or a person) winning time and time again?And what are the factors that derail the winning streaks?
The answers (or at least some of them) are to be found in a book called Confidence by Rosabeth Moss Kanter.(The subtitle is: How Winning Streaks and Losing Streaks Begin and End.)
Kanter, a professor at the Harvard Business School, explores why organizations of all kinds, even when overflowing with talent, are not winners.She also looks at winning sports teams and businesses to uncover the secrets of success.
Keeping the Celtics in mind, Kanter would say that winning is hard work. “Winners are bolstered by a large number of forces that keep them going strong.But the ultimate responsibility for winning is carried by the individuals who must go out onto the field and play the game.Confidence motivates performance but the people involved must still perform.Confidence produces team work, but the team must still do the work.”
She goes on to say that “…success is a matter of showing up to do the work as a member of a team that can relax under pressure…because they are so well prepared.” (This comment confirms that the work I and other performance coaches do contributes to success since much of my work is in finding ways to help people attain a calm, focused confidence that can be sustained under pressure.)
So then why do winning streaks end?Kanter reminds us that success is hard work; it is never easy or automatic and even some of the wins are close calls.Plus the history of long-term winners, Kanter says, includes breaks in their winning streaks.Kanter says that “A loss is a crossroads, not a cliff.”This sounds remarkably similar to what Doc Rivers had been saying during the recent losing streak.
Kanter remarks that it is rarely external factors that disrupt winning streaks but more likely the players own failure to “…maintain the disciplines and support systems that helped them turn winning into a habit in the first place.”
Not only that, but winners, in becoming the team to beat, face opposing teams who are revved up in their determination to win. (Lakers, anyone?)
Yeah, I like this book.I recommend it especially for anyone who might be leading a team or a company or who just enjoys a good read.
Yeah, yeah, I know…you’ve been meaning to get that whatever done for 3 months now but something always gets in the way.
Let’s be honest. That “something” is you.
After working with countless clients who are self described procrastinators, I have come to see procrastination as an anxiety problem.
In many case, it’s the drive for perfection and fear of failure that creates a nasty performance = anxiety cycle.
A typical scenario goes like this: Client starts to work on a project. Internal dialog gets cranked up - “I really don’t know enough about this. They’ll think I’m stupid. I’ll never be as a good as X. I don’t know where to begin.” And on it goes.
Of course such thinking either incites or exacerbates anxiety and when Client is anxious Client seeks to reduce anxiety. Working increases anxiety and not working reduces it. But Client is clever at disguising “not-working” by engaging in research which means searching the internet for more information which leads to discovering fascinating places to visit which leads to checking out cheap flights and boutique hotels which leads to an exchange of emails with friends about potential travel plans. And before you know it, 2 hours have gone by and although Client now has a dream vacation arranged, the Project is still not done.
So how does Client get a grip and get it done?
First step - recognize the work = anxiety relationship and then admit that Client engages in procrastination (or research) in order to reduce the anxiety.
Second step - identify and challenge the negative thinking that contributes to the anxiety. This ain’t easy but it is doable! Client keeps track of negative thinking to get attuned to nasty internal dialog. Client then evaluates and confronts cognitive distortions and changes them to be more realistic and objective. Likely, this alone will help calm Client.
Third step - change the negative association Client has with working on the Project. Client uses pleasant self-calming technique and breathing exercise to move into a nice, positive state of inner calm and then, and only then, Client begins to work on task at hand.
As soon as calm disappears, Client stops and employs relaxation technique again. Each time Client feels anxious or uncomfortable or was tempted to blog or surf the net, Client takes a deep breath and go back into the relaxation stance.
In other words, the Client is being taught to retrain mind and body to associate a pleasant feeling with work. Prior to this, Client had inadvertently trained him/herself to associate work with unpleasant feelings which was then avoided by “procrastinating.”
Clients always object to this recommendation saying they will never get anything done if they have to stop work when they get anxious but then they realize that they weren’t getting anything done anyway!
Client agrees to try and eventually is able to transform work style to an effective, productive one. The work = pain/anxiety relationship has been disrupted.
Yes, if you work in a cubicle this may be challenging.
Leave it to Charlie Brown to find the torrential downpour in every cloud. He could benefit from some mental toughness training to help him learn how to reframe those negative thoughts.
Unlike Charlie, I enjoy this season and hope you do too. I wish you every happiness this holiday season.
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