The Peak Performance Expert

So the fabulously talented LeBron James refused to shake hands with his opponents after the Magic won at Amway Arena in Orlando because, as he said, “It’s hard for me to congratulate somebody after you just lost to them.”  

Of course it’s hard.  And therefore…? So if something’s hard, you shouldn’t do it?  

Mr. James also said, “It’s not being a poor sport or anything like that. If somebody beats you up, you’re not going to congratulate them. That doesn’t make sense to me.”  

Sure if someone beats you up in the schoolyard or in an alley, you would not congratulate that person but this is organized sports where there are traditions and expectations.  The tradition is that the losing team acknowledges the success of the winning team and that everyone acts like a gracious gentleman and/or lady.  Pouting and sulking are frowned upon. 

I do not want to take anything away from Mr. James’s exceptional athletic prowess and fierce determination to win but this behavior is unseemly and tarnishes his otherwise glowing image. 

There are several qualities that contribute to mental toughness and one of them is what I refer to as the championship mindset.  This refers to individuals who are willing and eager to assess their performances in an objective fashion in an effort to learn from mistakes and improve.  This objectivity allows them to control their emotions in order to assess, learn, and move forward.  

A championship mindset includes the ability to recognize that sometimes the other guy wins and when that happens, a true champion will be able to step back and be curious as to why that happened. This curiosity encourages an objective stance, a learning perspective that promotes questions such as: “How did the other team win and why did we lose? What can be learned from this?” 

Sure it hurts.  It hurts a lot especially because of the heroic effort Mr. James delivered but with a little more effort he could show us that he is mentally tough not only on the court but in life.

Should kids be taught to be mentally tough?  Harvard psychologist Richard Weissbourd seems to think so.  Weissbourd’s book, “The Parents We Mean to Be: How Well-Intentioned Adults Undermine Children’s Moral and Emotional Development” was mentioned in an article by Joanna Weiss in today’s Boston Globe http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/family/articles/2009/04/11/tough_talk/ 

In the article, Weiss recounts the story of a soccer coach who raised an uproar when he jokingly wrote to parents suggesting, among other things, that they put their kids on a diet of veggies, fish, and “undercooked red meat.” Weiss’s article questions the wisdom of parents who protect their kids from adversity and Dr. Weissbourd is quoted as saying that kids need adversity to develop coping skills. Everything today is designed to make life more easy and comfortable: delivery companies, iPhones, GPs, o2 broadband, television, loans. Many people rarely experience hardship, difficulty or problems that take time, effort and some struggle to overcome. Modern society doesn’t do patience and grit, as much as it does technology and ease– and it should.  

This reminds me of a friend of mine who told me that when he was just learning to crawl, his dad put pillows in his way to teach him to overcome obstacles.  This fellow revered his dad and to this day credits his technique for teaching him to forge ahead no matter what.  My friend is a successful internet guru who makes millions.  And he has indeed overcome many serious obstacles in his life. 

Now you may wish to forego installing a pillow obstacle course for your kids but as a psychologist, a mental game coach, and a peak performance maven, I have to agree that the experience of failure can be one of life’s greatest teaching moments.  I believe that making a mistake or losing out on a deal or falling flat on your face can be a wonderful opportunity for learning.  I encourage my clients to view such instances as data, as information that can be used to determine what went wrong and what needs to be fixed in order to succeed in the future. Parents, teachers and coaches can do the same.

First – a confession: I do watch American Idol.  It is the only reality show I watch but still… I was encouraged to watch this show by several friends who know I love to sing and that I occasionally work with performing artists. So last year I took the plunge, with great skepticism, and became hooked. 

There are many things to not like about the show such as the manipulation of emotions (ours and the contestants) and the endless commercials but it is still just plain fascinating. To see these young (mostly) talented performers sing in front of huge audiences and a panel of judges each week is truly a lesson in mental toughness. 

Consider how you might function if, in front of millions of people, you were told you received the fewest votes from viewers and that judges did not deem you worthy of saving.  That’s only part of it!  Then, after you’ve been rejected, you have to sing the song (that got you booted out in the first place) once again in front of everyone! Come on…it’s amazing these kids can talk let alone sing! 

So, I have been impressed with the poise and graciousness of these singers who are asked to perform under such mean conditions. They not only sing, they express their gratitude for the opportunity and thank everyone involved.  That’s mental toughness, folks. Grace under pressure, for sure and a lesson for all of us.

Alex Rodriguez’s recent admission that he used steroids to help him manage the pressure of being the highest paid ball player in Major League Baseball has raised a firestorm of controversy. 

Of course, this is understandable since A-Rod isn’t just a baseball player; he’s a celebrity of rock star status. He’s also a lightning rod (pun not really intended) who seems to generate intense positive and negative emotional reactions from the public – some of it his own doing (remember the “dates” with the blond stripper?). 

As a peak performance coach with an interest in mental toughness, I am always curious to see how people handle pressure since this is a measure of a person’s mental toughness.  It’s now how well someone performs when things are easy but rather how well that person functions when things get challenging that, in part, determines one’s mental toughness. 

Being the highest paid anything comes with both realistic and unrealistic expectations. And of course, there is pressure to meet those unrealistic expectations so it’s possible that A-Rod succumbed to buying into those unrealistic expectations, thinking he had to be a miracle worker (or believing he was). 

Now I realize that A-Rod and his handlers are trying to spin this tale to make it more palatable to the public and certainly Alex’s arrogance and impulsivity have gotten him in trouble before but I think there is some truth in what he says. He was only 18 when he entered the MLB and there are few 18 year olds who have the wisdom and maturity to handle that kind of exposure. And although I have no way of knowing this for sure, it’s unlikely he had a good mentor to guide him. 

The problem with some young athletes who are flung into the world of big money and big fame is that they are ill prepared to handle it all.  They become surrounded by people who idealize them and by people who use them. They get used to the idealization and begin to believe they are invincible and not subject to the rules that govern mere mortals. They believe they can get away with things because they are getting away with things until one day… 

Fast forward to 2001 and the use of those banned substances. Our boy was 26 and now says, “It was very loose. I was young, I was stupid, I was naïve. And I wanted to prove to everyone that I was worth being one of the greatest players of all time. I did take a banned substance. And for that, I am very sorry and deeply regretful.” 

Is he sorry because he was caught or is he really sorry that he used the drugs? No way can we know.  He was smart to come forward (or his handler was smart to encourage him to do so) and confess and it was smart to hold the press conference today in which Alex offered a few more details. 

A-Rod was clearly anxious during the press conference.  He took a swig of water every few seconds (dry mouth is a typical sign of anxiety) as he read his statement and answered questions.  His most authentic moment was when he looked at his teammates and couldn’t speak for several seconds.  I think if he had spoken he would have cried but he shifted in his seat, looked away and up as he fought back the tears and then managed to say, “Thank you.” 

There’s no denying A-Rod’s talent; he’s got the stuff although there are questions about his post-season playing (another test of mental toughness) where he disappoints (unless you’re a Red Sox fan!). 

So to get back to the mental toughness question – how mentally tough is Alex Rodriguez?   How does he manage pressure – the pressure of the expectations of others and self; the pressure of coming through in clutch situations; the willingness to play fair even when it’s not going your way (remember him swatting the ball out of Arroyo’s hands in ’04?)? Maybe not so well, eh? 

Now good old fashioned maturity plays into mental toughness and that’s where Alex definitely needs some work. His exploits off the field attest to that. We can hope that this situation will help Alex grow up; to realize that he is not invincible, that he is not untouchable, that he is not flawless. But he cannot do it alone.  Ideally he would get assigned a mentor, someone with the wisdom and maturity that Alex seems to lack.  Of course, there is the option of some professional help.  I don’t mean 5 days a week on the couch but certainly therapy with a straight talking therapist could be of great benefit to him. 

Alex Rodriguez is a man of immense talent and promise who has certainly contributed excitement to the game of baseball.  I support his desire to move forward. I applaud his seemingly heart-felt confession.  Sometimes these events serve as a wake-up call that changes people for the better.  Only time will tell. 

I was watching a Celtics game recently where the referees seemed to be making a series of bad calls.  The TV commentators were complaining about it, too. I was curious about how the players would react to these calls and noticed that most quickly shrugged them off and got back on track.  This is definitely a sign of mental toughness, i.e., the ability to minimize the impact of distractions, get refocused and deal with the task at hand. 

This got me thinking about life in general.  In case you haven’t noticed, life is often unfair. Hard working people lose jobs and homes and sloths win the lottery.  So, what do you do?  The true test of a person’s character isn’t how he or she functions when things go well but rather, when things get rough. 

Have you ever noticed how 2 people might both encounter a series of hardships and yet each deals with it differently?  One might be a whiner and the other a winner; one sees impossible obstacles and gloom and doom and the other sees challenges and opportunities. Which type are you? 

Now I am not minimizing the very real pain that some of you might be experiencing due to layoffs, loss of investments (you should see my IRAs!), and so forth.  And it’s perfectly ok and understandable to acknowledge and feel that pain but then – what? 

It’s then time to take a step back, assess your situation in an objective fashion and create a plan of action.  What needs to change in order for you to move through this rough period?  Who can you call for advice or assistance?  What or who will give you emotional sustenance? 

A mentally tough individual views mistakes and set-backs as opportunities for learning and growing; do you?

A good gauge of a team’s focused competence is the sounds emanating from our TV room.  If there are a lot of “aws” and “I can’t believe its!” it’s probably because our team (the Celtics) is missing shots that should not be missed.  

Ok, easy for us to say – we’re sitting there warm and cozy in our slippers, sipping wine as we watch the big guys sweat but – as a scholar and student of sports psychology and mental toughness, I  know a few things that give me permission to spout off now and then. 

Let’s just look at why someone misses a shot.  There are several possibilities including being bumped or pushed by another player, thus interfering with the player’s physical lay up.  But what about other reasons?  I would argue that every other reason has to do with focus. 

If a player is well focused he will only attempt a shot he knows he can make and everything will be properly aligned.  He won’t shoot out of desperation or because he’s overly eager or because he’s trying to prove something. Those thoughts, in a focused, mentally tough performer, will be either dismissed or absent. 

What I saw last night was some occasional sloppiness (albeit along with some superb playing, too) that contributed to the loss. There were many lost opportunities that were lost due to that distractibility factor. 

One of the tests of true mental toughness is the ability to manage distractions that interfere with focus.  A focused mind is a competent mind and a competent mind leads to competent playing. 

There are techniques to improve focus and I have addressed this in previous posts. 

We’ll see what my guys do tonight. 

Leave it to Charlie Brown to find the torrential downpour in every cloud.  He could benefit from some mental toughness training to help him learn how to reframe those negative thoughts.

Unlike Charlie, I enjoy this season and hope you do too.  I wish you every happiness this holiday season.

Elite athletes are trained to not only manage but triumph in difficult situations.  This ability is often referred to as mental toughness.  I would say it is certainly part of the story. 

Athletes aren’t the only people who have to deal with difficult situations, of course and so it’s useful for everyone to learn what athletes pay sports psychologists for. 

In tense situations some people have a tendency to be reactive. That is, their attention narrows and so they fail to see the big picture and they jump to conclusions, dive into a conversation; defend their point of view vociferously (without giving the other guy a chance to explain himself) and generally get themselves into all kinds of trouble. 

It’s good to put a wedge or create a space between the impulse and the action. The space gives you a bit of time to reflect and consider what action should be taken.   I like to think of it as being similar to hitting the “pause” button on your remote control.   When you do so, you create a temporal and emotional space during which you can decide what to do next. 

The full recipe is as follows:  

Zoom out (to create a cognitive and emotional distance from a tense situation)

Pause (to create a cognitive and emotional space in which to reflect on the situation, challenge potentially negative distorted thinking, and consider best response)

Zoom in (to return to the situation and respond appropriately)

Repeat until you get it.

 Now this really works – if you actually practice it!

I used this with a client recently who tended to believe her competence was being challenged in meetings when anyone asked her a question. We simulated the situation with me asking her questions and her getting rattled or annoyed.  I then asked her to step back, literally, exhale slowly and imagine she was zooming out, way out, to create distance from the situation.

 During the pause in action, I asked her to quickly challenge her thinking, to sort through the distortions and regroup and when she was calm, to resume or zoom back in. We did this over and over until she mastered the pattern: zoom out, pause, and zoom in. 

Now of course I didn’t expect that in a real meeting, this person would say, “Excuse me while I zoom out and pause.” But it is possible to train your body and your mind to respond in the way you want and that is what happened with this client who learned how to quickly zoom out, pause, and then respond appropriately.  It does take time to master a new skill.  Athletes engage in drills where they perform the same task over and over until it’s second nature. You can, too.

(St. Petersburg Times article.)

Coach Jon Gruden of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers explained his philosophy on losing 38-23 at Carolina on Wednesday by saying his team should essentially forget and move on. 

He said, “And I just think you’ve got to have a short-term memory. You’ve got to really live in the future. You’re never as good as you think you are, and you’re never as bad as you think you are, no matter what anybody thinks.”

Gruden further said, “This is about mental toughness, I think, too. You’ve got to continue doing what you’re doing and believe in yourselves. I think we have the character in our locker room that will allow us to do that.”

Well, I’m surely not a football coach but I still say Gruden has it half right.  A mentally tough performer doesn’t simply forget about a failure or a mistake and he or she doesn’t simply “continue doing what you’re doing” but rather, a mentally tough performer will step back and assess what went right and what went wrong and use the mistake or loss as an opportunity to learn and to improve.

So in my work with my clients (who aren’t football players but are business people), I suggest they adopt this useful phrase: “Isn’t it interesting that…”  The phrase helps in creating an attitude of healthy curiosity and also establishes a bit of distance from the negative emotional punch of the loss or mistake.

So, for example, when a client tells me she had a terrible meeting where she fumbled words,  couldn’t answer questions clearly, and seemed to lose the confidence of her team, I would encourage her to do the following:  First, take a moment to acknowledge the pain or embarrassment of the situation (you need to honor that reality).  Second, say, “Isn’t it interesting that the meeting went so terribly; I wonder what contributed to that outcome?”

This leads to a problem solving mode where we can pick apart what, if anything, went well, what went poorly and why, and what she needs to do differently in the future.  This approach builds mental toughness.

High stakes, high visibility situations are accompanied by excitement and tension.  It’s easy to get distracted by extraneous thoughts and feelings that interfere with your performance.  Meditation is a great technique to train yourself to let go of distractions and focus on what is most relevant – your performance! 

Now your first reaction might be the thought that you don’t have time to meditate. Well okay, but if you have a big event coming up you may want to think twice about this. 

Meditation is simple and hard; teachers of meditation say it is the simplest hard thing you can do!  Why?  Well, take about 10 minutes and try it – at least once. Come on… 

There are many different “types” of meditation but what they have in common is a focus on the breath.  So, what I recommend is this: 

Find a nice quiet place and sit up with your eyes closed. Now just notice the rise and fall of your breathing and don’t try to “do” anything. Meditation is more about “being” than “doing.” 

Just notice how your breath rises and falls, comes in and out. Just notice it and as you do so, when thoughts appear, simply notice those and let them go, without staying focused on the thoughts, without deepening them. Just notice these thoughts as distractions but don’t judge them or become attached to them. You’re going to practice not reacting to new thoughts. You’re just going to acknowledge their existence and let them go. 

Okay, if you’re like most people you realized you have many, many thoughts of all kinds and you probably noticed that it’s not easy to just sit there and focus on your breathing! (It’s the letting go of all these thoughts that prompt people to say meditation can be hard.) 

 When I meditate, I start thinking about such things as: that person I need to call; an email I must respond to; a birthday I forgot; what to cook for dinner tonight; something I forgot to tell my husband; and lots of other stuff. Each time that happens, I notice it and let it go…and again – I notice it and let it go…over and over.  You might be thinking – so what!? Well, each time I go through this process I am training my brain to let go and refocus, let go and refocus, let go and refocus. I am also training myself not to react impulsively but rather to observe with a somewhat detached interest. 

Now, isn’t that important for performing?  Consider how useful it would be to have that skill of letting go of irrelevant thoughts and feelings which can undermine your productivity and your performance and being able to refocus on what is most important – your performance in the moment! 

You also must be able to let go of any mistakes that you make because if you dwell on those mistakes you won’t be able to pay attention to what you need to do next.  Meditation can help you with that. You can learn to stay focused on your performance instead of getting caught up in distractions. 

Although it’s recommended that you spend 20minutes a day on meditation, you can also incorporate mini-meditations of a few minutes throughout the day.  A few moments here and there can also train your brain to let go and refocus.