Yeah, yeah, I know…you’ve been meaning to get that whatever done for 3 months now but something always gets in the way.
Let’s be honest. That “something” is you.
After working with countless clients who are self described procrastinators, I have come to see procrastination as an anxiety problem.
In many case, it’s the drive for perfection and fear of failure that creates a nasty performance = anxiety cycle.
A typical scenario goes like this: Client starts to work on a project. Internal dialog gets cranked up - “I really don’t know enough about this. They’ll think I’m stupid. I’ll never be as a good as X. I don’t know where to begin.” And on it goes.
Of course such thinking either incites or exacerbates anxiety and when Client is anxious Client seeks to reduce anxiety. Working increases anxiety and not working reduces it. But Client is clever at disguising “not-working” by engaging in research which means searching the internet for more information which leads to discovering fascinating places to visit which leads to checking out cheap flights and boutique hotels which leads to an exchange of emails with friends about potential travel plans. And before you know it, 2 hours have gone by and although Client now has a dream vacation arranged, the Project is still not done.
So how does Client get a grip and get it done?
First step - recognize the work = anxiety relationship and then admit that Client engages in procrastination (or research) in order to reduce the anxiety.
Second step - identify and challenge the negative thinking that contributes to the anxiety. This ain’t easy but it is doable! Client keeps track of negative thinking to get attuned to nasty internal dialog. Client then evaluates and confronts cognitive distortions and changes them to be more realistic and objective. Likely, this alone will help calm Client.
Third step - change the negative association Client has with working on the Project. Client uses pleasant self-calming technique and breathing exercise to move into a nice, positive state of inner calm and then, and only then, Client begins to work on task at hand.
As soon as calm disappears, Client stops and employs relaxation technique again. Each time Client feels anxious or uncomfortable or was tempted to blog or surf the net, Client takes a deep breath and go back into the relaxation stance.
In other words, the Client is being taught to retrain mind and body to associate a pleasant feeling with work. Prior to this, Client had inadvertently trained him/herself to associate work with unpleasant feelings which was then avoided by “procrastinating.”
Clients always object to this recommendation saying they will never get anything done if they have to stop work when they get anxious but then they realize that they weren’t getting anything done anyway!
Client agrees to try and eventually is able to transform work style to an effective, productive one. The work = pain/anxiety relationship has been disrupted.
Yes, if you work in a cubicle this may be challenging.
Leave it to Charlie Brown to find the torrential downpour in every cloud. He could benefit from some mental toughness training to help him learn how to reframe those negative thoughts.
Unlike Charlie, I enjoy this season and hope you do too. I wish you every happiness this holiday season.
Sometimes clients tell me they are frustrated because their hard work is not being recognized or rewarded. These are people who work hard, are loyal employees, and follow all the rules. So, what’s the problem? Often it is lack of visibility. These folks tend to work hard behind the scenes and shrink away from the spotlight. They do not speak up in meetings. They do not propose new ideas in a public fashion. They avoid conflict. They do not publicize their successes. They do not take risks. They do not initiate connections with new prospects. They do not offer to be a speaker at a company event. As a result, they are over-looked and forgotten.
The reasons for their reluctance include cultural constraints, shyness, social anxiety, or ignorance about how the “system” works. The latter can be easily amended. Once they realize that they need to be more visible, some are able to set up a plan of action and move forward. This might look like joining a networking group to generate leads and informing the boss about this initiative. Or it could be planning to bring up certain topics in a meeting or offering to lead a team. Or it could be providing the boss with a detailed list of accomplishments. The thrust is a deliberate campaign to highlight progress and accomplishments.
Some clients know they should do all this but their cultural heritage frowns on such “self-promotion.” One woman, a Chinese-American, told me that such behavior was not approved of in her culture even though she saw the utility of it for her career. We were able to find some ways she could become more visible at work without it being too uncomfortable for her. I also taught her how to reframe it as her helping others to succeed (by being a more pro-active team leader) and helping her company reach its financial goals. Once she saw it wasn’t all about her, she emerged from her cocoon and became a quiet but forceful spokesperson for her company.
Elite athletes are trained to not only manage but triumph in difficult situations. This ability is often referred to as mental toughness. I would say it is certainly part of the story.
Athletes aren’t the only people who have to deal with difficult situations, of course and so it’s useful for everyone to learn what athletes pay sports psychologists for.
In tense situations some people have a tendency to be reactive. That is, their attention narrows and so they fail to see the big picture and they jump to conclusions, dive into a conversation; defend their point of view vociferously (without giving the other guy a chance to explain himself) and generally get themselves into all kinds of trouble.
It’s good to put a wedge or create a space between the impulse and the action. The space gives you a bit of time to reflect and consider what action should be taken. I like to think of it as being similar to hitting the “pause” button on your remote control. When you do so, you create a temporal and emotional space during which you can decide what to do next.
The full recipe is as follows:
Zoom out (to create a cognitive and emotional distance from a tense situation)
Pause (to create a cognitive and emotional space in which to reflect on the situation, challenge potentially negative distorted thinking, and consider best response)
Zoom in (to return to the situation and respond appropriately)
Repeat until you get it.
Now this really works - if you actually practice it!
I used this with a client recently who tended to believe her competence was being challenged in meetings when anyone asked her a question. We simulated the situation with me asking her questions and her getting rattled or annoyed. I then asked her to step back, literally, exhale slowly and imagine she was zooming out, way out, to create distance from the situation.
During the pause in action, I asked her to quickly challenge her thinking, to sort through the distortions and regroup and when she was calm, to resume or zoom back in. We did this over and over until she mastered the pattern: zoom out, pause, and zoom in.
Now of course I didn’t expect that in a real meeting, this person would say, “Excuse me while I zoom out and pause.” But it is possible to train your body and your mind to respond in the way you want and that is what happened with this client who learned how to quickly zoom out, pause, and then respond appropriately. It does take time to master a new skill. Athletes engage in drills where they perform the same task over and over until it’s second nature. You can, too.
Coach Jon Gruden of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers explained his philosophy on losing 38-23 at Carolina on Wednesday by saying his team should essentially forget and move on.
He said, “And I just think you’ve got to have a short-term memory. You’ve got to really live in the future. You’re never as good as you think you are, and you’re never as bad as you think you are, no matter what anybody thinks.”
Gruden further said, “This is about mental toughness, I think, too. You’ve got to continue doing what you’re doing and believe in yourselves. I think we have the character in our locker room that will allow us to do that.”
Well, I’m surely not a football coach but I still say Gruden has it half right.A mentally tough performer doesn’t simply forget about a failure or a mistake and he or she doesn’t simply “continue doing what you’re doing” but rather, a mentally tough performer will step back and assess what went right and what went wrong and use the mistake or loss as an opportunity to learn and to improve.
So in my work with my clients (who aren’t football players but are business people), I suggest they adopt this useful phrase: “Isn’t it interesting that…”The phrase helps in creating an attitude of healthy curiosity and also establishes a bit of distance from the negative emotional punch of the loss or mistake.
So, for example, when a client tells me she had a terrible meeting where she fumbled words,couldn’t answer questions clearly, and seemed to lose the confidence of her team, I would encourage her to do the following:First, take a moment to acknowledge the pain or embarrassment of the situation (you need to honor that reality).Second, say, “Isn’t it interesting that the meeting went so terribly; I wonder what contributed to that outcome?”
This leads to a problem solving mode where we can pick apart what, if anything, went well, what went poorly and why, and what she needs to do differently in the future.This approach builds mental toughness.
Okay, I know he’s not even on the scene right now since he’s recuperating from knee surgery but it’s such a pleasure to watch the great Tiger Woods. As you take a peek at his expertise, remember the lesson embedded in it: focus and commitment are keys to success.
A while back, after a tournament when he did not fare well, Tiger was asked what went wrong and his response was, “I just wasn’t thinking right.” Tiger knows all too well that you become what you think!
This video shows Ray Allen demonstrating how to work on a jump shot. But, it’s much more than that! Anyone who thinks Ray Allen is great because he’s gifted is only half right. Sure - he’s talented but notice how he emphasizes the necessity of creating a routine and sticking to it day after day.
This is true for success in sports and for success in life. Allen develops a drill that refines and builds a skill and he practices it several times a day, every day. That’s how someone succeeds.
High stakes, high visibility situations are accompanied by excitement and tension. It’s easy to get distracted by extraneous thoughts and feelings that interfere with your performance. Meditation is a great technique to train yourself to let go of distractions and focus on what is most relevant - your performance!
Now your first reaction might be the thought that you don’t have time to meditate. Well okay, but if you have a big event coming up you may want to think twice about this.
Meditation is simple and hard; teachers of meditation say it is the simplest hard thing you can do! Why? Well, take about 10 minutes and try it - at least once. Come on…
There are many different “types” of meditation but what they have in common is a focus on the breath. So, what I recommend is this:
Find a nice quiet place and sit up with your eyes closed. Now just notice the rise and fall of your breathing and don’t try to “do” anything. Meditation is more about “being” than “doing.”
Just notice how your breath rises and falls, comes in and out. Just notice it and as you do so, when thoughts appear, simply notice those and let them go, without staying focused on the thoughts, without deepening them. Just notice these thoughts as distractions but don’t judge them or become attached to them. You’re going to practice not reacting to new thoughts. You’re just going to acknowledge their existence and let them go.
Okay, if you’re like most people you realized you have many, many thoughts of all kinds and you probably noticed that it’s not easy to just sit there and focus on your breathing! (It’s the letting go of all these thoughts that prompt people to say meditation can be hard.)
When I meditate, I start thinking about such things as: that person I need to call; an email I must respond to; a birthday I forgot; what to cook for dinner tonight; something I forgot to tell my husband; and lots of other stuff. Each time that happens, I notice it and let it go…and again - I notice it and let it go…over and over. You might be thinking - so what!? Well, each time I go through this process I am training my brain to let go and refocus, let go and refocus, let go and refocus. I am also training myself not to react impulsively but rather to observe with a somewhat detached interest.
Now, isn’t that important for performing? Consider how useful it would be to have that skill of letting go of irrelevant thoughts and feelings which can undermine your productivity and your performance and being able to refocus on what is most important - your performance in the moment!
You also must be able to let go of any mistakes that you make because if you dwell on those mistakes you won’t be able to pay attention to what you need to do next. Meditation can help you with that. You can learn to stay focused on your performance instead of getting caught up in distractions.
Although it’s recommended that you spend 20minutes a day on meditation, you can also incorporate mini-meditations of a few minutes throughout the day. A few moments here and there can also train your brain to let go and refocus.
If you’re of a certain age or if you like old movies, you might remember the delightful film - White Christmas - with Bing Crosby and Rosemary Clooney. In the movie, Bing sings the Irving Berlin classic - Count Your Blessings - to Rosemary.
It seems Mr. Berlin was on the right track; researchers in psychology have confirmed that keeping track of your blessings, those people, things, and events in your life for which you are grateful, is good for you. As a matter of fact, expressing gratitude can contribute mightily to human health, happiness, and social connection. And good restful sleep. Really.
Robert Emmons, psychology professor at the University of California, Davis, is author of the book, Thanks! How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier. Emmons wrote, “Our groundbreaking research has shown that grateful people experience higher levels of positive emotions such as joy, enthusiasm, love, happiness, and optimism, and that the practice of gratitude as a discipline protects a person from the destructive impulses of envy, resentment, greed, and bitterness.”
Now that’s quite a statement but the research (extensive and not only that of Emmons) is compelling. Even middle school kids, when asked to keep a log of up to 5 things they were grateful for from the previous day, developed higher levels of optimism, life satisfaction and exhibited more gratitude toward people who had helped them.
So while you are stuffing your face tomorrow, consider taking a moment and reflect on the many things for which you can be grateful such as the meal you are consuming and the people with whom you are dining.
As for me, I will certainly be thankful for food and the abundance of it along with the joy of friendships and family connections. Good health is another biggie (which looms more important as I get older) along with possessing some skills and talents; having a home, having been raised by loving parents, having had a good education, having had the opportunity to ehlp people transform their lives, etc. There is so much. Hmmm…I think I’ll sleep well tonight!
We here in Red Sox Nation are elated that Dustin Pedroia won the Most Valuable Player award in the American League. “Pedroia the Destroya” has been a delight to watch this past season and his playing certainly saved the day in several games.
Much as been made of his physical stature; Pedroia is listed as being 5′9″ but many say he is more realistically around 5′7″. That’s small for a pro baseball player, of course, but what he lacks in physical stature he makes up for in psychological stature.
Pedroia is a perfect example of a mentally tough athlete. He has heard snide comments and criticism about his size from the beginning (including from his father who doubted he could make it to the big leagues). Fortunately his mother encouraged her son to forge ahead despite the doubters. Dustin brushed aside the naysayers and kept working at his craft. He could have given up and few would have questioned it but he did not. Yes, he persevered but he demonstrated all of the qualities of a mentally tough athlete:
He exhibits a championship mindset which means he eagerly seeks feedback on his work and is relentless in self assessment. He perceives critiques as information, not accusations and uses that information to improve his performance.
His concentration is superb. He is able to tune out distractions and focus on the task at hand no matter what the circumstances.
Pedroia’s composure is maturely defined. This guy does not get rattled even in the big games.
If he makes a mistake or has a set-back, he does not dwell on the mistake but rather learns the lesson embedded in it. (Comes back from mistakes.)
He is crystal clear about what motivates him and the “why” is big enough to sustain his huge efforts.
Dustin is a commitment king; he works constantly to improve and refine his craft.
This guy has enough confidence for the whole team and it comes from a firm belief that he has the ability and talent to get the job done.
Finally, Pedroia exhibits courage in the true sense of the word - courage is derived from the French word for heart (coeur) and we have seen him play his heart out game after game after game.
How do you rate on the 8 dimensions of mental toughness?
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